The Most Important Government Job

The most important job in the U.S. government now: Secret Service.

And I do not mean the counterfeiting guys. Though I realize they are busy too.

Cracking Happiness

I recall someone once drawing an analogy between writing a paper for a grade and cracking a combination lock. It's apt for so many quests: money, affection, understanding, music, health, goodwill. Perhaps happiness itself. I turn a lot of knobs. I hear a lot of clicks. Being close feels about the same as being far — qualitatively separate from being there. Winning buys a little time, and rehearses for the next gig. Among my cringe-worthy idioms is "having a life" but I guess it conjures the set of knobs I am currently working. Some pithy wisecrack belongs here to distinguish this from pathetic whining, but I'm still working that knob too. I'll let you know when something clicks.

SARAH PALIN'S SECURITY CLEARANCE

(Below is a respectful and good-natured reply to a [slightly rearranged and numbered] post by John F. Wear on the Marine Open Discussion Forum on military.com, originally written by Tom W., and first forwarded to me from my strong-willed-yet-oh-so-feminine, gorgeous, mouthy, Republican sister Penny, whom I've madly adored since I was two and a half. She is affectionately known as the white sheep of our family, for some reason. The following are excerpts of John's post, and my replies.)

Before you dismiss the fact that Sarah Palin is Governor of Alaska, consider this: 1. Alaska is the first line of defense in our missile interceptor defense system, that protects the entire nation from ballistic missile attacks.

Really? We can "intercept" and "protect" the nation from ballistic missile attacks?? Are those just fancy terms for watching and yelling?

2. The Alaska National Guard is on permanent active duty, unlike other Guard units. As governor of Alaska, Palin is commander of The 49th Missile Defense Battalion of the Alaska National Guard. She is briefed on highly classified military issues, homeland security, and counterterrorism. Her exposure to classified material may rival even Biden's and certainly by far exceeds Obama's.

Have the The 49th Missile Defense Battalion of the Alaska National Guard been terribly busy lately? How about ever?

3. Palin is privy to military and intelligence secrets that are vital to the entire country's defense. Given Alaska's proximity to Russia, she may have security clearances we don't even know about.

Oh, so it's a ground issue as well, you know, a Bering Land Bridge thing? Do analysts assert that 12,000 years since anyone tried invading that way is no excuse for a lapse of vigilance?

4. She's also the commander in chief of the Alaska State Defense Force (ASDF), a federally recognized militia incorporated into Homeland Security's counterterrorism plans.

Isn't it true that 93% of the actual work of the Alaska State Defense Force has been to field complaints from irate online merchants about suspicious accounts purporting to be from asdfasdfasdfasdfasdf?

5. According to the Washington Post, she first met with McCain in February, but nobody ever found out. This is a woman used to keeping secrets. She can be entrusted with our national security, because she already is.

Isn't watching the arctic skies for incoming ballistic missiles already about the most harmless conceivable federal job? It's really not much basis for the least.

: : :

(Elder sister speaks: “Love clouds your vision, little brother. The only part you have correct is strong-willed and mouthy. In real life I'm just a 61 year old disillusioned conservative Democrat that thinks the selection of candidates is so poor it's more like voting for which of your knees you want to receive a bullet. I'm not the white sheep - I'm the sheep with the more ordinary life. I don't know about the madly adoring part, but you have my love and admiration for life. You're way too sweet always. p”)

Bluffing The Time Ninja

My new time management trick: pretend I'm already an expert at choosing what to do. That I always know the optimum way to spend time; and I'm always doing exactly that until inventing the next optimal task. I appreciate the positive-feedback, self-reinforcing-illusion loop:

1. The better I do it, the more I believe in it.
2. The more I believe it, the better I do at it.

Even while playing some bit role, of a sucker doing something I couldn't argue my way out of fast enough, I tell myself "The Ninja Knows" and pretend it's what I decided to do. Gullibility is a boon sometimes. Another example, the ninja says writing this blog entry will invest more ownership in the tactic. Rationalizations, party of two or more, your circular table is ready.

This is now the leading candidate for displacing the time management strategy I've been using for decades:

1. Berate myself for wasting time until I work harder (at something blameless)
2. Blame others for distractions and for not helping, or for helping poorly, at least until they leave me alone (this works eventually)
3. Avoid and agonize over unfun undones, then do them with inner melodrama, then seek sympathies and distractions as if deserving them

The best part of bluffing the time ninja is I no longer have use for stress or resentment. I'm actually kinda serious, I've been practicing this for about forty-eight hours now, and it is actually kinda working. Use your inner ninja.

Questions That Time Out

Question	Timeout	Default Answer
Do you want coffee this morning?	12 sec	Yes
Anybody here?	10 sec	No
Hey, how about we watch *this* movie?	7 sec	No
(in a horror movie) Honey are you all right?	6 sec	No, I'm dead
Need help with that?	5 sec	Yes
Do you want the last piece of pie?	4.5 sec	Yes
Are you going to eat that?	4.2 sec	Yes, or No but I'm disgusted you want to eat after me, but by letting you know that I'm vaguely insulting myself
(after being struck by a car) Are you ok?	4 sec	No
(from mother) Is there a new girl / boy in your life?	3.9 sec	Yes but you would not approve of her / him, or No but I'm afraid you'll help, or Maybe except how to tell you it's a boy / girl
So, did you like my casserole?	3.8 sec	No
(from mother) Are you happy in your life?	3.6 sec	No but if I let you know I'll never get off the ph... Darn it.
Who farted?!?	3.5 sec	Me
Are you choking?	3.2 sec	Yes
You didn't eat the last piece of pie did you?	3.1 sec	Yes
I didn't offend you, did I?	3 sec	Yes
Do you like my new dress / haircut / nose job?	2.8 sec	No
Do you love me?	2.5 sec	No
Are you happy I'm pregnant?	2.2 sec	No
Are you having an affair?	0.64 sec	Yes
(implicit with all unconcluded email exchanges) Do you still like me, or foresee any advantage at all to association with me?	72 hours, or 3 times median response time	No*

* or Yes, I'm still composing an eloquent, original, charming way to get it across
or No, I'm still composing a face-saving way to avoid saying so
or Yes, but not enough to notice your last email had a question in it
or No, and I can't believe you haven't picked up on it yet
or Maybe, but something more interesting is happening in my life
or Don't know either, but other neglected emails have scrolled yours out of view

Double Irony

Making fun of people who ridicule is at least intellectually dangerous. If you care about being mistaken for the wrong team, that is.

PunditMom raises some interesting questions about the, shall we say conversation-stimulating new cover of the New Yorker. (I call it a double-irony because it makes you ask, 1, are they making fun of the Obamas, Muslims, or Black Panthers? Or, 2, of the people who infer an association?) Mocking the number one team is highly fashionable. The interesting observation PunditMom makes is that it's not only unfashionable to mock the number two or three team, but those who do are passionately censured. It's unfashionable *not* to censure said mockers.

Ethnically mixed societies at uneasy peace are nothing new of course. And so there must also be a long precedent to the effect PunditMom illuminates. Some sound reason for the rigid byzantine rules of political correctness. Here's a try at answering her question. Once ethnic groups begin commercial integration, insulting the disadvantaged groups must be stifled. Otherwise you got your insurrection. So when someone says "whatever you do, don't disrespect Muslims" they may be channeling subconscious instincts "don't encourage Muslim revolt". Think it's sincere? The best way to appear sincere is to believe it yourself. Just notice how rarely westerners get passionate about anything else Muslim. But hey, I'm really very content with selfishness doing more good than evil.

Back to the complexities of double-irony. After Obama is elected, I look forward to the doubly-ironic political cartoon (here and now I predict it) where U.S. Christians parade Obama as a conspicuous human shield on display for the benefit of the Muslim world, wearing a sandwich board "Lookit his name, will you? Now PLEASE don't hurt us!" I think it might be the shrewdest ever phantom campaign platform. Not for duping Muslims, but Christian voters.

Speaking of double-irony, reminds me of Nellie McCay. Is she mocking feminists? Or feminist bashers? Probably the latter, but I revel in not being sure. I adore ambiguous people because I think the rest are just up to something that will ultimately confuse me more.

Things I like whether they cause cancer or not

Inspired by Gwen:

• breathing
• focused conversation when at least one party tries to understand more
• failing to find the end of a conversation for good reasons, e.g.
  • spawning new converations
  • matryoshka-doll-like complexity
• music and other art soul-to-soul
• how big my home planet is
• brevity
• clarity
• accuracy
• trying for all three no matter how impossible
• five senses
• ten fingers
• two hands
• the company of children
• the company of women
• I like my coffee:
  • very strong
  • very sweet
  • very caffeinated
  • great smelling
  • savored patiently
  • enough cream so there’s never any bitterness
  • steamy hot or bone chillin’ or most any sensation between
  • the option to bottle for later
• making a person laugh
• making a person think
• making a woman come
• how so much of the world sleeps and stays the same as if waiting for me to get my shtuff together
• discovering new delusions
• irony
• meditation
• building
• figuring things out
• inventing memes
• tahini
• rivers
• mountain tops
• hard physical labor, followed by
• hot shower, followed by
• healthy food, followed by
• movie that changes me, followed by
• verbal analysis, followed by
• cuddling, snuggling, kissing, etc., followed by
• nap
• silence
• solitude
• cosmology
• blue skies with cool air with white sunshine
• any change in weather
• first light
• thwarting waste, decay, misunderstanding, filchery
• useful originality
• smiles
• brushing a woman’s clean, healthy, dry hair
• skin
• eye contact
• patience
• persistence
• birdfeeders
• uncluttered, light, airy workspace
• starting something
• finishing something
• purpose
• inspiring people